I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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