Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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