hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
