I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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