They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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