This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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