It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
420 ftw
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
