Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
