Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
