I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
