I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
