Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
