Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
