Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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