she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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