"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
