U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
