I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
