oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
false alarm, still single
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
