im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
