YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
