i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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