It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
