I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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