Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
