there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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