Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
