Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize