soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
a search helicopter?!
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
