Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
