so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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