so that wasnt chicken after all
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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