the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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