i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize