it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
