she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
