i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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