how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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