She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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