Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
