Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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