my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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