her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize