He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
