apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
