nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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