Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
