I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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