im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
