oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
