Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
