I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize