guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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