I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
