I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
