I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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